You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
