I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
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Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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