Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
