She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
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Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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