4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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