I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
