Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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