the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
