It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
