my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
