If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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