The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
