You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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