I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
