Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
