Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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