You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
