I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
