why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
