Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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