question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
