I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
