i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
