The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
