drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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