GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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