Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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