Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
