my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
