I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
