I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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