nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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