I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
