East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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