If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
