So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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