dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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