I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
