i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
