She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
