I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
