I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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