i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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