Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
