I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
