Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
