the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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