so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
