Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
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New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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