how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
