I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
