Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
