I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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