need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
