Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
