He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
