so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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